The Nostalgia Trap?

As time swiftly skips by it seems we are heading towards the festive season at quite a rapid speed.

With the festivities approaching, and the evidence of the more commercial and monetised element very apparent, I wanted to take time to reflect on what the season means to me. Where do I place my awareness? How have I come to interact and connect with this time, and how I am trying to do so with greater and greater integrity, aligned with my own values and beliefs? Mine do not have to be the same, or even that similar to yours, but I hope these words might encourage and inspire your own inner reflection and adjustment to optimise this season for you and all that truly matters to you.

What matters to me?

To be clear, I actually really enjoy many things about the festive season. I particularly embrace quality time with friends and loved ones. I enjoy the beautiful and delicious sensory side of soft lighting, candles and twinkly lights (not LED!). I appreciate the tastes and smells of good foods and the spices and earthy ingredients at this time, both the joy of home cooking and baking as well as well selected treats. I sometimes immerse myself in music that feels just right for that moment, have walks in nature, plenty of time to be cosy and, when I can, enjoy real fires. 

There are things I find challenging! I won’t go into those here but it is probably best summarised as staying at a slow enough pace to really listen to myself and follow my instinctual needs. Balancing the needs of myself and others. Does that resonate? Maybe!

Midwinter

Midwinter is what matters most to me, the recognition of the darkest point. Feeling safe and cocooned by the darkness whilst still feeling the ever present light within the dark. I take time to be outside for the day, no matter the weather, to be embraced by the elements and held by the land. To watch the increasing and decreasing light levels at either end of the day, whether the sun is present or not. This fills my heart and soul. It has the quality of pilgrimage, a journey and a meeting place to honour that which is sacred. Time to pause and reflect, time to listen inwards. I have also found it allows me to be open and to surrender to the variety and vibrancy that Christmas can bring having emptied out and refilled in this way.

Why I am writing this?

The contrast to this sacredness could be huge. Or even the distance between what matters most and fills our hearts, and what we actually do with our time and energy. The intention behind writing this is to help us all, myself included, be mindful of the pitfalls and traps that can lurk at this time of year ready for us to fall or trip into. To become aware and resourced as we learn to circumnavigate things more skilfully until we can saunter through with greater ease.

I have become increasingly aware that the monetisation and commercial side of festive seasons (Christmas seems to be this height of it, and I will touch on why I think this later) requires us to want and need to buy things!  I know that might sound simplistic but my own journey and personal observation has led me to this place.

Have you noticed how many books, films, advertisements and  media at this time tend to depict particular narratives around family groups, relationships, finding true love, having the perfect outfit (hair, food, home...), living a fairytale life and certain ways to live and interact in the world?

Songs are about coming home, about those that we miss, about finding ‘the one’ or being in an idyllic setting surrounded by snow! I began to notice that when I was listening to music, watching films and receiving this information and stimulus that it was evoking certain feelings and then certain thoughts. Or, it was generating, or awakening, thoughts and beliefs that led to emotions and feelings arising in me.  That I could go from feeling totally fine and content to feeling sad, lonely, or even thinking I didn’t have enough, or my life should somehow be different. That I needed to be different. The common narratives were pulling me into what I’m calling the nostalgia trap.

Nostalgia

What is nostalgia?  ‘A sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past’  ‘A wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition’

This literally puts us in the past, bringing up old thoughts, feelings, scenarios that we know cannot be recovered.  We long for something that no longer exists, or perhaps never really did?

We remember the past through our filters of beliefs and memory. We can even idolise and think everything was perfect and so much better than today. If only this moment was different, if only that thing, person, job, relationship etc still existed. We can lament what we believe to be missed moments and opportunities. But were they really?

The other end of nostalgia?

What is the other end of nostalgia?  The future projecting and wanting something to be different?  Needing more, wanting more, wanting different, and longing for things that (we hope or believe) will fill the apparent holes and gaps in our lives and homes. What do we call this? In essence this could be summarised as fear. The fear of lack, the fear of missing out, of not belonging and of not fitting in. I also think and notice this heading us in the direction of worry and could lead to anxiety. This is, again, to assume any moment other than this one is better. That changing something externally would make everything ok.

Yes we can plan for the future and we can take steps towards a future more aligned with what we sense, know and feel is deeply important and true for us, but we can actually only do so from the present. In this moment right now, from an embodied sense of self, not just from the mind. And NOW is the only moment we can choose and step towards that which we truly desire. By connecting, listening inwards and choosing in the present we steer and guide ourselves from the inside out.

Either way, nostalgia or fear, we are taken from the present moment, into the past or future.  We lose our clarity and focus in the moment happening now and our mind wanders into other places and times. None of them happening right now - just imagined. 

Read that again… when we think about the past or future (and how perfect they were, or could be) it is only happening in our mind... in our imagination!

And yet this generates very real feelings, emotions and thoughts based on the imagining and we can feel so many things and think they are really happening now, or imagine/ assume how they could be. All of this happens without the actual lived experience and the feedback that life gives. 

Reflecting

Don’t misunderstand, reflection, dreaming and being inspired for the future can be really positive. especially if it includes going deeper into the heart, into the core needs and generating this from within our bodily knowing. We can intentionally take time to enquire and give time to these reflections, to feel and listen deeper. But when feelings and thoughts are generated by things in our environment, often unconsciously or unaware, then we can be blindsided and we can fall into the nostalgia trap.

We don’t necessarily realise why we feel how we do and we start to think that changing something, such as having more, buying something (or lots of things) can make the difference to how we feel. Perhaps other coping strategies occur too; such as eating, drinking or working to try and fill a gap or a void. This isn’t reflecting, or mindful, or heartful, but an (often sudden) change in our inner mood and landscape and with it a change in feeling about ourselves and about the moment we are in.

Do we love ourselves in that moment or do we sometimes fall into patterns of behaviour driven by fear, lack, emotions, beliefs and maybe even overwhelm? This is completely normal and human. What I propose and invite is that we have more awareness, and that we have more choice when we do

The antidote?

I love a good movie and songs of times gone by, but I approach them differently now. I have the experience and awareness that if I start drifting from the present and feeling the lack, worry, sadness, loneliness or feelings that somehow me, in my life as it is now, is inadequate then I can see it and feel it and I have a choice. I pause and I observe. I can still go into those feelings; and sometimes that can even be a practice and become a healing or integration, but I can also choose to stay in the present and to observe. I can also choose, for the most part, that which I watch and to what I listen.

Observing from the present gives a much better gauge of how we are and how life is, how life truly is. Even if we don’t have the life we hoped or planned for, even if everything is falling apart and we have no idea what we are doing, if we can stay in the present, and be more grounded, there is the possibility of a deeper contentment where we are right now. To root ourselves within ourselves, within the breath and our own beating heart. To connect and receive our own holding and appreciation, or our own care and love. This is a practice and for many of us this can require learning (or we could call it remembering), and then more practice.

Each time we notice and pause, we are undoing the patterns. Each breath we remember to take right here, right now is being more present with ourselves in the present.

Can we buy our way out of it, or fill the gap with stuff? You tell me. I would say no. Temporary distraction and the buzz we get is just temporary. It doesn’t change the underlying need and perception. We can, however, change our mind, or place of awareness to change our perspective. That doesn't require buying anything!

Stop and be present

So next time you feel those pangs of what you thought life should be like, based on someone else’s ideas or ideals, perhaps you can choose to stop and be really present with your amazing self, with the incredible person that you are right now. With all that you have done and been (and been through) and all that has led you to this moment and the person you are today. Can you be real with yourself, honest for a moment about how you feel? To acknowledge and honour what is being experienced? Can you show yourself more appreciation and care?

What if you are enough? What if you have all that you need? What if you are loved and accepted exactly as you are? What if you can relax into this moment? And into the next?

It feels extremely important to acknowledge that there are people going through severe or extreme challenges and are needing support with their fundamental basic needs right now. People are alone or have suffered recent loss, and to them I offer the warmest heartfelt embrace and a heart full of love and compassion.  May we help and support in whatever ways we can so that life continues to get easier for those people as they journey and navigate this time.

What will you choose?

So this writing speaks more specifically to the externally imposed limitations and lack, or that which feels external. To our thoughts and beliefs and power of choice. The ways we can be shown a life that we (start to, or used to) think we should have. We have a choice. What will you choose this festive season? Will you choose the past, the future or the present? May you recognise the gift and joy of life and living aside from the narratives, noise and drama. 

I invite you to go inwards and meet and love yourself just as you are. To listen to what is beneath the drama and emotions, what is actually being asked and how can you give that to yourself? How can we fulfil our own needs inside, not outside, and offer to ourselves the nurturing, the belonging, the appreciation and the love and joy that is being asked from within.

Nourish your soul

What matters most to you? What truly fills your soul? What can you include that would nourish you deeply? And how will you make a point of giving this to yourself? To take action to meet your inner needs? 

Perhaps another way to ask this questions is what are your key ingredients this festive season, your priorities? Can you let them help guide your choices?

May we embrace the true spirit of Christmas, of Solstice, Yule, Midwinter, Hanukah or whatever is most aligned with your personal beliefs, or absence of, at this moment in the year. The Northern Hemisphere is in the darker months, heading towards the darkest day of the year, the longest night. A perfect moment for reflection. It often naturally draws us into reflection, to witness and observe the shadows, our relationship to the darkness and to the needs within ourselves.

If you want to read more about my perception and journey with the darkness and being embraced by darkness, and by winter itself I highly recommend the previous blog post, “The Sacred Heart of Darkness ~ being embraced by winter.”

What is needed, in this moment?

However you spend your time, know you are worthy and whole and that you belong. You are loved, just as you are. If you want to reflect, perhaps ask yourself what you need in this moment, not what you want. Take a softening breath and wait for the answer, you might be surprised when you listen to the wisdom of the body and your beautiful heart.