From Aloneness to…

Do you ever have days, weeks or moments where you just feel a bit weird - a bit off? There is no apparent reason but there is a niggling or nagging sensation that is pervading the experiences of that day?

Today has been one of those days. There has been a layer of feeling that pulls at my attention, of what could perhaps become what I would call… loneliness?  It is so interesting to observe from a deeper awareness. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be anything else… the feelings or emotions can take over, but today the inner sense and steadiness is stronger.

What am I noticing?
What am I noticing?  If I describe it without labelling I would say it is a slightly heavy denseness, particularly around my chest and upper body. A slowing, a weight, an inward directed energy that feels rather inert or depressed in its gentlest appearance.

But as I stay present, as I allow this to grow, to move and to be… as I allow, instead of falling into or trying to escape, I know I need to change position. I need to get out of where I have been during the hours before and take a walk right where I live, to get into the more nature based, quiet area.

As I walk I observe… I feel, see, hear and sense but still this veil and muzziness seems to block and prevent fully being present.  I come to sit and I just wait.  I pause…

Observing without seeking
I could be looking for something, certainly my mind is telling me this feels like loneliness, but as I remain seated, and as I stay in the pause I start to recognise aloneness. There is an aloneness that I am dropping into. But as I do, and as I become curious and continue to pause, the trees, butterflies and light around me start to shift. The aloneness begins to lift as I recognise and witness how there is no aloneness.  How, within this space I am there with so much more. There is aliveness and beauty and a tingle of magic in the aloneness, that part of me knows another way, this communion is connection and I literally smile.

I hadn’t smiled much today I don’t think. The smile feels new, feels like a brightness and a relief. As I smile the heaviness and the confused questioning and exploration of emotions and feeling is lifted all by itself. And I am moved from aloneness into the deeper knowing of connection.

Connected in aloneness
I am connected, even in the aloneness, and the two can co-exist, but actually in this moment the aloneness gives way to connectedness, to the interconnectedness and the subtle but clear potent thread of life that imbues and envelopes everything. This changes everything - the clarity of vision, hearing, sensation and quiet attentive awareness returns and I simply feel at ease.

There is a slight remanence of the ‘weirdness’ but the ease gives even more space, and an embrace and holding for this to be. 

From aloneness to holding, that feels like the biggest shift, not even just connection, or being connected, but to the holding, being held and almost cradled by life itself. This is wonderful, this is the gentle presence of life, of love within every moment.

The innate aliveness within
It reminds me of stillness, of space that we can sometimes think of this as blank or void, but actually when we spend time there we come to know and experience the intrinsic and innate aliveness that exists within the space and the stillness. The aloneness felt similar; it was full of life, not void of life.

Whether you are feeling alone, lonely, connected or just plain weird, know you are actually never truly alone. Can you observe and be with sensation and see where it leads you? To see where aloneness takes you? It took me to connection and being embraced by life, which I didn’t expect. I’ve practiced navigating in this way, sometimes we need support and guidance so don’t forget to reach out if so.

I wish you ease and holding that allows you to know you are truly loved and accepted and welcomed just as you are. I wish you the pauses that give way to the innate aliveness and fullness of life that are right there in every moment. This has many textures and flavours, don’t be fooled into thinking life should only contain certain colours or flavours, allow the plethora of diversity and experiences to be part of a truly lived life.