When Joy Feels Elusive

I came into this month expecting to write about joy, wanting to write about joy. The wonders, the depth, the magic and that deep rooted thread that flows through and rises within us when something touches our heart and our soul. And then I found myself in a much deeper process, one of grief, change, uncertainty and contemplation. A time of transition and not knowing. I am very experienced with these spaces, I have walked this path, or so I thought, but this is different. This is harder somehow, more fundamental, like the ground on which I walk and the rooting of my body is changing, has changed, and I am learning and finding how to place myself in my own awareness and in the world once again.

Softening the edges

And so joy becomes something different. It becomes a balm, like a soul balm, where I seek out moments that will bring me closer to my heart, that will bring me closer to myself and to the wellspring of beauty within me. To a gentle, healing joy. To the point of connection that is undeniable and all pervading. To the way that the sunset, the sea, the call of the buzzard, the silence (when I soften), candle light and true friendships reach inside and bolster me - the way they lift me up. They soften the edges and allow me to exhale and to let myself be gentler… more in touch with the true beauty and depth of knowing within, no matter what I am feeling. To feel and be allowed to feel.

They bring me to the trust of myself. To the knowing of myself and the wonder of those small yet profound connection points to life that let me know I am still here, I am still ok and I am still alive to this world that I find so beautiful. We can interpret these feelings and spaces of change and unknown as though there is something wrong, but I invite you to let that go.

What if nothing is wrong?

What if this process is just as it should be?

Change and transition

What is changing? What is being grieved? What is lost? Past? Present? Future? It is usually a combination of so many things. A shift in feeling, thought, dynamics and beliefs that is allowing for something different. That provides a more honest and authentic way of showing up and relating, and a way that honours what is truly wanted and desired rather than the threads of the past that still make their way into the present.

And this is what I find transitions are… a moment where we are at a threshold of dismantling, re-evaluating, weighing up and making choices that can only be made at that moment, at this very moment. Can only be made when we are ready for that point of change. That singular moment of decision. There is little point asking the questions before, or after. They can be asked but the answers will be different. At that moment, don’t ruminate on them, know the time will come. That moment of calling, of beckoning, of surrendering, when the soul’s call is stronger than the fear and armour and patterns that bound… that is the moment to pause, to listen and then to step, to lean and to know. To be called and carried forward. To trust and to move. To be moved from within.

Making a change

Is it easy? You tell me! I would say, hell no! Sometimes a choice is clear, or obvious, or just becomes necessary. Sometimes it feels easier to keep the status quo but we know we are settling, we know we eventually have to ask these questions again, this will come back around. But we are content enough to stay in the situation, thought pattern or belief so that things stay the same. Either way, trust it. Trust yourself and trust your guidance. Nothing is wrong. All in good time.

And during these processes of change, of things changing from the inside out (and the outside in) let yourself be loved, be cherished and cared for - by yourself. Give yourself time to be, to feel, to notice and to witness and find ways to naturally evoke the joy that is already present inside you. Things that bring a comfort from deep within. That remind you of your own heart light and connection to life. Be present in the here and now. Feel your body on the earth, the breath of air in your precious body and the flow of your sacred blood… the weight of your bones steadying you. Become as close to the body as you can. Within the body itself. To tend to and to reassure, to allow yourself to be a strong and steady calming presence. And, to fall apart and then to find the next layer of strength within.

Let emotions flow

There are times other emotions and memories have to move to allow the deep rising and emerging of joy. Where we need to make space to breathe deeper and to let love and joy breathe. That has been my experience, to allow a releasing and clearing so there is freedom, safety and space for joy to expand and flow. So that we don’t guard and hold ourselves to stop other things flowing. When we are keeping ourselves together, and keeping things in, we are doing so in a way that will block and can keep in all the goodness and wonder of ourselves too. The connection and the beauty, the divinity. When we soften there is an organic flow and movement.

When we process and allow flow this can happen with lessening fear, reduced anxiety or worry. With each release there can become an absence of these as we welcome parts of ourselves and bring safe holding. Little by little, or all at once. No pressure, no rush… just curiosity and compassion and deep self love. Breathe deep.

And joy?

For me joy has to arise from this deep rooting. From a presence in the moment and from a sense of myself fully here. It is a deep inner sensing, like a golden thread of warmth and wonder that flows within me. It has the possibility to flow at different tempos and at different levels of awareness. But, the joy is within, it is not an emotion… it is a core sense of self that rises, emerges and expands when it has the space and freedom to do so. When something touches my heart and my soul. When beauty, nature, connections and life evoke a deep palpable and unmistakable joy within me. This is inside, not outside. This has been nature - for example: the owl, the buzzard and the deer all close to my car as I drive, all symbols of the connection and joy of life. This makes my heart sing and my joy rise quite without any effort and it is simply wonderful.

It might pass quickly and seem elusive at times but it arises without effort by purely paying attention and being aware, being open. By breathing it in and breathing into that moment of awareness itself.

Notice joy the next time it rises and comes to meet you. Where is it, how does it move? How do you meet it? Tears are ok, they are so healing and so comforting.

Soul balm

What is your soul balm? What makes your heart sing? What brings you back to yourself and the immediacy of the moment in a way that you feel more fully alive? More present and more here? When you know it, however small that is, lean into it. And keep leaning. Savour it and make it something you can turn to, to turn on the inner flow of love and ultimately this quality of joy that sustains and carries you. And reach out for support. To loved ones, to friends, to those that can be alongside you and provide a resting place, an ear or a heart where you can unburden enough to soften into your new knowing. Rest into nature, into music, into your blanket, the ground or your bed.

And laughter, don’t forget to laugh. It is such an antidote and a way to break up and shift energy. What makes you laugh, proper belly laugh if you can? Find it and repeat it and let this ripple through your being and bring relief.

Inner compass

This new emerging knowing is your guide, is your compass, is your magical north. Let it be there and guide you, even in the moments you do not know, in the times that are chaotic and emotional. You have an inner light that shines your way on. Find it, polish and nurture it to shine ever more brightly and keep following that knowing into the unfolding future of your heart desires.

You are magnificent, you are joy!

You are simply magnificent and this process of unwinding and unbecoming is letting this be known and be seen more clearly. Allow it. Allow yourself to radiate and shine and let joy become your companion and your guide as this flows to meet and hold you through life’s joys and sorrows. The two are so close they can almost touch, sometimes they even merge, be the meeting place between them. The salvation and the safety in the steady home of the heart within the body.

And let joy breathe, and breathe again and know yourself as this joy as often as you possibly can. You have got this, you are just so beautiful.